Slow Cooked Beef Brisket

Source: Huber's Butchery
Cut: Brisket
Feed: Grass, what else?

Ah, the humble brisket. This rather large and thankfully cheap cut comes from the front shoulder of the cow, or bull, or whatever. Being used a lot, by the whatever, for walking, jumping, maybe some beach vollyball, it gets tough and sinewy. Consequently, it needs to be slow cooked, at a low heat, over a long, long time. Like 7-9 hours long, depending on how bloody you like it.

Step 1:

Get a brisket. If you didn't already realize that was step 1, turn of the computer, and go lie down. You've got enough on your plate already, my poor, simple friend. We picked up our meaty monstrosity from the fantastic Huber's Butchery. They've supply beef, lamb, veal, sausages and seafood, in a wide selection of grass fed/organic/free range, and not so free range. I paraphrase Wu Tang Clan when I say that Huber's Butchery ain't nothin' to fuck wit.

Now season that big bastard. Lots, and I mean lots, of sea salt, freshly ground black pepper, garlic powder, and the dry rub of your choice. I used a blend euphemistically called "Mexican". Since I was neither stoned nor kidnapped after using it, I'm not sure how authentically Mexican it is.

During previous attempts, I've slathered the brisket in cayenne pepper and tomato paste, and besides making the brisket resemble a freshly hatched xenomorph emerging from a host, it didn't do much for the flavour, so I skipped it this time around.

Step 2:

On a high heat, in a big ass pan, pour a few splashes of coconut oil, or any paleo approved oil that can take the heat, and sear the shit out of that meaty bastard. Really, sear it like you've never seared before. Show no mercy. Let the brisket cook on all sides until dark brown. You need to almost burn it. Don't burn it, but almost burn it. I said almost!

Step 3:

In a slow cooker, combine some carrots and sticks of celery. You can chop them up into large pieces if you want, but I just broke them up with my hand, like the Hulk, if the Hulk hated vegetables, followed by a big manly handful of peeled shallots, and the same for cloves of garlic.

Step 4:

Stuff in your meat...hehe...meat. My brisket was so large, my wife came in while I was staring at the brisket, confused and full of doubt as to how I was going to jam it all in the slow cooker, and remarked "wow, that's a big piece of meat" to which I wittily replied "ya, that's what she said." Comedy gold people, comedy fricking gold.

In the end, I had to chop it in half and cram it into the pot with not so much as a half a cm to breath. As my dad would say, virgin tight. He's a very classy man. Unfortunately, the wily beast was so determined not to be cleaved in two, I went through a giant butcher knife, a steak knife and finally a now very gory pair of scissors getting through it.

A half-cup of free-range, organic chicken broth and you're all set. Put the slow cooker on low, put on the lid, and brew the beef for around 8 hours. I set it to cook before heading to bed, and turned of off when I got up for work, and voila, or, as the French say, voila. Tender, flavourful beef brisket that quite literally melts in your mouth, or anywhere else you feel like putting it, which is frankly, none of my business.

Eat some meat!

- Mr. Paleoporean